Inbox for duplicity

[chopoffyourhead]

Username: rosehearts

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[chopoffyourhead]

[There's a slightly surprised blink at the kiss... followed by an amused little sound. Riddle wraps his arms around Floyd, tugging him so they can fall onto the mattress together.]

[eelusive]

I was too!

[Just not very well! But there’s no room for Floyd to contest further when suddenly he’s being pulled onto the bed. With a muffled sound, he holds himself up with his hands before he can squish Riddle under his weight.

He mumbles something incoherently before lifting his head again, brows furrowed and lips pulled into a frown.

Just don’t tell anyone I fell, ok? I got a reputation.

[Does he though?]

[chopoffyourhead]

[Uh-huuuuh.

His smile widens a little at that, mirth in his eyes as he kisses Floyd's nose.]

I won't tell a soul.

[There's no way Jamil and Azul didn't hear and figured out what happened.

And then his hand comes up to rub his back.]

Why don't you tell me what's going on in your mind when it won't shut off?

[eelusive]

[After scrunching his nose toward that kiss, Floyd has to take a moment to consider Riddle's question. It's not like he hasn't been asked about his thoughts and feelings before, but he's been through quite a bit since arriving in this world, so giving a short and sweet answer seems impossible.

With a hum, he flops over onto his side and wraps his arms around Riddle out of habit.]

Umm... lots of stuff. It used to be things like how bored I am or how interesting a new land food looks. But it's different here.

[He idly fluffs up Riddle's hair and runs his fingers through it as he speaks. Having constant stimulation makes talking about this sort of thing easier.]

Like today I thought about how much I hate bein' a Sub and how stupid it is that Jade lives far away from me. And how I really, really would've strangled that guy I beat up if I didn't hold myself back. It's kill or be killed in the sea, y'know? That asshole doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as me. And why's everything so loud on land? Azul's more sensitive than he usually is so I don't wanna talk to him much, Sea Snake says he loves me which is stupid, I said some stupid stuff to Squidy at the Unbirthday Party, even though it's all technically true-- It'd be easier if me 'n Jade could go into the sea and stay there away from everybody else.

[More petting and grumbling... then, softer,]

But then I wouldn't get to dance with Sea Bream or teach Catfish how to hunt bigger fish. ... I wouldn't get to give you anymore flowers.

[Suddenly, his hand stops moving.]

It's like a big brass band where everyone's playing different instruments at different speeds and volumes and I can't keep a beat. All I wanna do is just stop playing.

[chopoffyourhead]

[Riddle is quite content snuggling with Floyd as he spills out his thoughts. And oh, that is... quite a lot. Things even Riddle hadn't been aware of.

Riddle hums, brushing a kiss over Floyd's cheek.]

It can be pretty stressful sometimes.

You know, you could go to the sea for awhile if you wanted for a couple of weeks or so. Just have some time with you and your brother... People would take vacations from time to time, too, to relax and reenergize themselves.

[eelusive]

The city would probably scoop us up in nets and toss us back in a tank before the end of the day. For– I dunno. Breathing wrong.

[He heaves a sigh and rests his chin atop Riddle’s head. … It’s still so surreal to Floyd how they got here. One minute he’s antagonizing him then the next they’re cuddling like their past never existed. The hand in Riddle’s hair suddenly stills.

Though far from the strongest merman in the world, Floyd’s never considered relying on anything or anyone else to build himself up from the darkest depths of the sea. He’s always grown at his own pace; performed amazing magic and beat up every last guy in Savanaclaw not because anyone told him to, but because he wanted to. Taking responsibility for one’s self is Octavinelle’s very creed, after all. He can’t be the genius people say he is if he doesn’t keep himself in mind.

So what is he doing here climbing up into Riddle’s bed and spilling nonsense like a whiny baby scallop? … Well. Floyd does value strength above all else. Maybe Riddle’s strength just so happens to resonate with him more.]

… You’ve always got your shit together, you know. You’re smart and responsible and know what you want. You’re even all considerate of me even though I probably screwed up your sleep schedule. How d’you do it?

[Floyd slips his eyes shut as he burrows his face into the other boy’s hair, taking in the scent of freshly bloomed roses.]

… Sometimes I think it’d be pretty cool to be you.

[chopoffyourhead]

[A frustrated sigh.] The city really needs to reorganize its priorities... hm?

[He notices the hand has stilled, and then there's a blink at what follows. Very rapidly, his face turns red.]

... silly eel...

[He murmurs, nuzzling into him.]

... I don't always have everything together. [He admits it quietly.] Lately... I've been noticing things about my friends that really scare me, and I don't know what to do. Idia, Cater, Jamil.

[He closes his eyes, brow furrowing.]

I don't know if... there's anything I can do.

I've never felt more powerless.

[He curls into Floyd.]

So... sorry for giving you the wrong idea. I'm just as stressed and confused as you are.

[eelusive]

[He tilts his head and falls quiet once Riddle speaks… but Floyd definitely doesn’t like what he hears.

With a grumble, he wriggles back and places his hands on Riddle’s cheeks.]

Nuh-uh! You’re the strongest goldfish I ever met!

[He thinks back to what he said at the party–about the weakness in those who succumb to their blot–and feels his heart sink straight into his stomach. Never mind that. It doesn’t matter.

He just hopes Riddle never finds out about it. That’s all.]

I mean it. When you get scared or get into fights, you still get up and do things every day! If anything, you oughta quit doin’ things for other small fry. You don’t gotta do nothing for anyone.

[chopoffyourhead]

[?!

He stares at Floyd, baffled at the sudden assertion. He gives a little puff at those words, though his expression softens a little.]

... I do have grit, and I'm thankful for that.

[His hands come up to cover Floyd's.]

But those three aren't just "small fry". They're people who are very important to me. Who have been there for me at my worst and weakest moments.

It's not that I have to do anything for them. It's that I want to. I want...

[His brow furrows.]

I want to get through to them. To tell them how stupid each and every one of them is for not giving themselves the credit they deserve!

I wouldn't be the person I am today without any of them. Maybe that doesn't mean much to them.

But it means a lot to me. So I'm going to fight like hell for them, whether they ask for it or not.

[eelusive]

[For someone like Floyd who gags at the thought of calling Azul or even Jade his “friends,” hearing Riddle sing the praises of others feels… odd. No, more than odd. It’s uncomfortable. But he can’t quite understand why.

Slipping his hands away from Riddle’s face, Floyd abruptly sits up and scoots to the edge of the bed, his fingers gripping the mattress.

What is he doing here, what is he doing here? He’s supposed to be halfway across the city by now, minding his own business and staying as far away from this noise as he can. That’s what he wants to do, isn’t it? It’s easier that way, isn’t it?]

It’s not like their stupidity is your responsibility. You’re who you are ‘cause of choices you made.

[There’s a hint of rising irritation in his voice.]

What’s wrong with being selfish and being your own person?

[chopoffyourhead]

[There's a blink as Floyd draws away, and he sits up to look at his back.]

My desire to help them is selfish. They haven't asked for my help. They've gone so far as to try to persuade me otherwise.

... but they make me happy. And I want to keep them around as long as I can.

[eelusive]

If they stay or go, that’s not up to you either. You can’t be trusting everyone and expecting the best outta them, Goldfishie! Anyone can turn on you when you’re not expecting it. Even me!

[But Floyd’s words taste bitter as soon as he says them and he cuts himself off with a hand pressed over his face.]

… What the hell am I doing telling you this and that though? That’s just telling you what to do anyway.

[Smearing his hand down his face, Floyd mumbles and keeps his back turned. Of course. Of course. It was so obvious. How is he only figuring it out now? The problem isn’t anyone else.

It’s just–]

… I keep forgetting I’m not a person like the rest of you.

[chopoffyourhead]

[The outburst has both his eyebrows coming up in surprise. He watches Floyd's back, trying to figure out what's bothering him so much...

When he says that.]

Not a person? What do you mean?

[eelusive]

Well… I’m a moray.

[He shrugs and flops onto his back again, arms spread out to his sides while he stares at Riddle upside down.]

I think and do everything different from a person.

[chopoffyourhead]

But you're merfolk.

[He stares down at him quizzically.]

Merfolk are still people.

[eelusive]

Goldfishiiiie that’s not how it wooorks.

[Floyd grumps and huffs and lifts his arms before flopping them back down on the bed.]

We’re merfolk. That’s not a human or a land dweller. That’s merfolk! Like– Ok. Think of it this way.

[Unable to sit still, Floyd rolls over onto his stomach.]

Y’know how I like to bite you when we fuck? That’s not a people thing!

[chopoffyourhead]

I have a feeling your definition of "people" might be lacking.

[Floyd, pls.]

But yes. I'm a human and you're a merperson.

And that... bothers you?

[eelusive]

It’s not that.

[He folds his arms and rests his chin atop them while he stares at the bedsheets.]

… Azul says my “mind and emotions don’t operate the same as most others.” He says I can see and understand things someone else can’t.

[Sighing, he starts drawing random shapes and lines with his finger. Floyd’s moods change as frequently as the tides. It’s simpler for him to be on the move, to let those emotions run their course without stopping to ask why they happened. Explaining himself, researching or proving his solutions– He hates it. Every last bit of it.

But ever since he’s been here where he has no choice but to cooperate and entangle himself with others for extended periods of time, emotions are at an all time high… and Floyd isn’t used to processing them this quickly. He isn’t used to empathy. He isn’t used used to consent or consideration or calling people in the middle of the night because his mind is racing faster than a swordfish.

To Floyd, such unique experiences can only be distinctly, unmistakably human… and that’s exactly what he’s not.

He continues to doodle invisible nonsense as he speaks.]

Azul says I’m valuable ‘cause of all that… and that’s what bothers me. ‘cause when I’m on land in this form, I don’t feel valuable at all. I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong.

[chopoffyourhead]

[...oh.

It's no news that Floyd had been struggling for some time now. He seemed confused, frustrated, agitated. Like he had all this energy inside him but no outlet to direct it.

He wonders if that's part of the problem. He is, after all, a predator. Large reserves of energy are a necessity for survival.

Slowly, Riddle lies down next to him, folding his arms underneath his head as he looks at Floyd.]

Like what?

[eelusive]

[He doesn’t look at Riddle when he settles beside him, but he does carefully, very carefully, trace a line toward Riddle’s arm, and pauses just before they touch.]

… D’you know what the Mermaid Princess came on land for?

[Floyd does, but he wants to know what Riddle knows.]

[chopoffyourhead]

[Riddle watches the arm, but doesn't make a move for it.]

If I recall correctly, it was a man she wanted to learn more about. One she saved from a shipwreck during a storm.

[eelusive]

[Floyd keeps waiting, keeps staring at Riddle’s arm and his hand and his cheeks and everywhere but his eyes–those adorable, dollish eyes…]

Yeah. She gave up her fins and her voice for some guy she didn’t even know ‘cause she loved him and all… but that boot camp she set up? The one me ‘n Jade and Azul went to? They don’t teach you ‘bout that.

[Another pause. He almost touches Riddle… almost. But still hesitates.]

They just teach you how to hold forks and use your feet…

[And then he pokes him. Softly. Just ever-so softly.]

They don’t teach you how to navigate loving humans. … Or other stuff.

[chopoffyourhead]

[When he's poked, he finally shifts his one hand to lightly brush their fingers together. There's a widening of his eyes at the words that follow, and he suddenly feels his heart pick up a bit.

If Floyd will let him, he'll rest the tips of his fingers over Floyd's.]

... do you... have some humans you're... developing those kinds of feelings for?

[eelusive]

[Suddenly he feels like he shouldn’t move, like he’ll mess something up if he does. But with his pulse hammering between his ears, Floyd stares at Riddle’s hand and slides his own to fill the spaces between their fingers.]

I dunno… Like I said, I feel like I’m doing things wrong all the time, so–

[Floyd stops just short of intertwining their fingers completely. He shouldn’t love people. Too much love leaves more chances for being torn apart. But… this is so strangely fascinating. Putting names to his feelings, scoping them out, trying to make them make sense– Floyd’s never cared about getting things right the first time or even being the best of the best at everything he tries, yet something about this moment makes him want to try harder than he’s ever tried before to be good.]

… What’s it supposed to feel like?

[chopoffyourhead]

[Riddle just slightly flexes his fingers, snugly fitting them against Floyd's.

...ah.]

I'm not really the person to ask. I barely know what love, platonic or romantic, looks like, much less... how it's supposed to feel.